Mickey Starling: Greene Publishing, Inc.
If you thought there was any chance that the world was going to become less confusing and, perhaps, more focused on serious issues facing society, think again. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has now deemed phrases like, "bringing home the bacon" and "killing two birds with one stone" as potentially offensive to vegans and animal rights activists. And I wondered why I was having trouble sleeping at night. These metaphoric phrases suggesting prosperity and productivity must be what is wrong with our world.
According to Shareena Hamzah, of Swansea University, the growing trends away from the consumption of meat may one day spell the end of meat-based metaphors that Hamzah suggests might incline the young to harm animals. It should be pointed out that Hamzah is not from these parts, where meat is not part of meals only when mass rioting is being encouraged. Now, I'm all for trimming the fat, if I can say that, but leave the lean meat on the plate, thank you very much.
I wonder how much thought was given to these latest complaints. The PETA folks have been kind enough to offer some mindless dribble to replace these time-honored metaphors. "Bringing home the bagels" was offered to protect the sensitivities of pig lovers everywhere. Bagels have feelings, too, metaphorically speaking. What about their rights to stay where they were before we bring them home?
As for "killing two birds with one stone," now we can say "feeding two birds with one scone." Sorry, but scones are fattening, if I can say that, and some birds are trying to keep their weight down in order to maintain optimum flight levels. Perhaps we should say, "helping two birds to get home." This sounds great. Never mind the fact that the intended metaphor is now lost to the image of a directionally challenged married couple who have neither a map or a smartphone.
Unless you are a blind pig searching for an acorn, if I can say that, the point should be pretty clear. Becoming politically correct and mega sensitive to what might offend someone is a never-ending process that only snowballs over time. No offense to snowballs, who we all know are just loving, circular creatures looking to stay out in the cold. Because we are all pretty much in love with the image we cast in the mirror, offenses are a dime a dozen. If this trend continues, the only winners will be the makers of duct tape, because we will all need to keep a roll on hand to make sure we never utter a word.